well I can't set my house on fire every night
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Let's get the cat blown out
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Randomize
