I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize