In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Randomize
