: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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