I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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