Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
