Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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