Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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