and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Randomize
