Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
nutella sex= disaster
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
