I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
