I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize