Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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