The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
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