Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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