Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
