I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
