Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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