I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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