mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
