This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
