There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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