The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
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