ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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