Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
