Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
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