How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
it wasn't lemon gatorade
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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