Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
