had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
