Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
In America we eat man semen.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
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