so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
