i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
