Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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