I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
