I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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