Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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