That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
