The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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