So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
