3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
