We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
