He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Randomize
