gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
