if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize