I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
