I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
