Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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