Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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