girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
