I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I don't think brook has ever known best
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
