it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I just had sex on a roof
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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