Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize