I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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