wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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