How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
