I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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